Reality Check
by Arashinobara Jikkankakyoku
Summary: If you thought they were messed up before, you haven't seen anything yet. Meet Yuugiou!The Cast, featuring all our favourite characters as living, breathing, slightly more than psychotic actors... who hate the script. Prideshipping, anime parody.
1. In Which Seto is the Victim for Once

**

* * *

Note by Arashinobara: **There's butchering a character, and there's incessant hacking and mauling of it until it's no longer recognisable. Those were my exact words to my Wifey Muffincake (chocolate-obsessed), and she had no choice but to agree, though she did say my butcher block yielded some amusing results. If you're looking for characters recognisable as... well, as _them_, then look elsewhere.

Reviews will be snuggled and loved and petted, and reviewers will be snuggled and loved and petted _and_ glomped. So please leave some?

The rest of the notes are down below, after the fic. So, read and (hopefully) enjoy!

/Arashinobara and Mamori-chan bow before disappearing out of site/ Bad pun, I know. -.-;;

* * *

**Reality Check**

A Yuugiou fanstory by Arashi no Mamori

**Part One – In Which Seto is the Victim for Once**

* * *

**From: **Mutou Yami 

**To:** All Cast Members

**Subject: **Did you hear?

Did you hear? The show's going to be continued!

_Yami_

--

_Ankh Udja Seneb!_

* * *

**From: **Kaiba Noa 

**To: **All Cast Members

**Subject: **Re: Did you hear?

Huh? No way – it doesn't matter, anyway. I got myself signed up for... uhhh... I really can't remember. Fubeta did it. But I'm not coming back for the next arc.

_Noa_

P.S. Anyone who tells Dad about this is going to find their balls stapled to their eyelids.

--

_It's aqua, not lime._

* * *

**From: **Mutou Yami 

**To: **All Cast Members

**Subject: **Re: Re: Did you hear?

What! But we can't do without an elder Kaiba! This is crazy! The show will go to pieces! We'll _die_ without a snarky bastard around! Half the entire capacity of fan mail we got was directed to you; it just goes to show how popular the Kaiba character is!

Incidentally ticked,

_Yami_

--

_Ankh Udja Seneb!_

* * *

**From: **"Anonymous" 

**To: **Kaiba Gozaburo

**Subject: **Fwd: Re: Did you hear?

_---------- Forwarded message ----------_

_**From: **Kaiba Noa_

_**To: **All Cast Members_

_**Subject: **Re: Did you hear?_

_Huh? No way – it doesn't matter, anyway. I got myself signed up for... uhhh... I really can't remember. Fubeta did it. But I'm not coming back for the next arc._

_Noa_

_P.S. Anyone who tells Dad about this is going to find their their balls stapled to their eyelids._

_--_

_It's aqua, not lime._

_---------- End of Forwarded message ----------_

--

_I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. _

* * *

**From: **Kaiba Gozaburo 

**To: **Kaiba Noa

**Subject: **What's this?

Son, what's this about you not returning for the next season of the _Yuugiou_ show?

Get ready to grovel,

_Your Displeased Father_

--

_Chief Executive Officer of Kaiba Corporations_

* * *

**From: **_Extremely_ Pissed Off 

**To:** You Stupid Bastards (aka, the worthless Cast Members)

**Subject:** I warned you!

WHO THE FUCK TOLD HIM!

--

_It's aqua, not lime._

* * *

**From: **Your Displeasing Son 

**To:** My Displeased Father

**Subject: **Re: What's this?

Dear Dad,

I'm afraid I'm taking a rather relaxing vacation somewhere along the lines of the Bahamas or Hawaii. The stress of the show really got to me. Upon my return, I shall immediately begin work as a hair stylist for the Sailormoon cast.

Give Seto-chan and Mokuba-chan my love. Now, I need to catch a plane, so...

Bye!

_Noa_

--

_It's aqua, not lime._

* * *

**From: **Mutou Yuugi 

**To:** The Stupid One

**Subject: **Start Running, genius.

Jou, I think that threat was serious. Next time, think about the consequences before attempting a one-up on a Kaiba. _Any_ Kaiba.

_Yuugi_

--

_Success is not the result of spontaneous combustion. You must set yourself on fire._

_

* * *

_

**From:** Scared Shitless

**To: **She Who Must Hold the Answers

**Cc:** Short Stuff

**Subject: **Help!

Anzu, buddy, pleasepleasepleaseplease_please _let me hide in your basement?

_Jou_

--

_I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. _

* * *

**From: **Kaiba Mokuba 

**To:** Kaiba Noa

**Subject:** Fwd: Help!

**Attachment:** jouisstupid.doc (3k)

Noa-niichan, I think I've found your man, and attached is the proof. Your stapler is on the second to bottom shelf in the main hall. There are spare staples in my desk – help yourself.

It figures that a creature of such unsystematic brain capacity would assume Yuugi was the only short person around. I wonder how long it'll take for him to realise that it was me who got his message instead of Yuugi?

I'm going to miss you, you know. But... you know, if you could...? Could you snip me some of Tomoe Hotaru-san's hair? She's Sailorsaturn – you know, the senshi of death and rebirth. And don't ask how I know, or why I want it.

_Kaiba Mokuba_

--

_Admiration, n.: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves._

* * *

**From: **So Proud of his Little Brother 

**To: **The Little Brother

**Subject:** Thanks

Thanks, but I'm already at the airport. Damned shame, really... I guess he escapes with his nuts this time.

Don't worry about your height – you're taller than I was at your age, though Seto has us both beat. Keep me posted on him, okay? Though I'm not quite sure you'll need to do that... I made sure he'd write. I'm guessing you'll find out what I did as soon as he shuts the lid to the laptop and takes a good look around the room.

If not the biggest, at least the eldest,

_Noa_

P.S. Regarding the hair, I'll do my best. I think she's got the shortest hair on the set, though, so it'll be tough to get any... How about Mistress 9's instead?

--

_It's aqua, not lime._

* * *

**From: **Mazaki Anzu 

**To: **What have you done this time, Jou?

**Cc: **What has he done this time, Yuugi?

**Subject: **I'm rather disinclined to acquiesce to your request.

No. My basement is off-limits to all and any people who go around with 'I Like Landing Myself In Shit' tattooed to their forehead.

_Anzu_

--

_Anything you fully do is an alone journey_.

* * *

**From: **Mutou Yami 

**To: **All Cast Members

**Subject: **N00b alert!

Hey, there's some blonde chick in a corset with Marilyn right now.

_Yami_

--

_Ankh Udja Seneb!_

* * *

**From: **Honda Hiroto 

**To: **The Gossip Queen

**Subject: **Re: N00b alert!

With Marilyn? Damn!

_Honda_

--

_Hearing voices doesn't make you insane. It's only when you're hearing voices and doing what they tell you to do that you should start hugging yourself._

* * *

**From: **Queen Yami the Virtuous 

**To: **Plebeian Hiroto the Horny

**Subject: **Re: Re: N00b alert!

Idiot, she's not one of his whores; she's being interviewed for the part of Jou's love interest!

Speaking of which, WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE GOING TO DO ABOUT BEING KAIBA-LESS! WHAT THE FUCK WAS HE THINKING!

_Yami_

--

_Ankh Udja Seneb!_

* * *

**From: **Horny and _not_ in denial 

**To: **You're just sad you lost your eye-candy when Noa left

**Subject: **Re: Re: Re: N00b alert!

Oh. That's good, then.

Actually, that's _bad_. You said _Jou_'s love interest, right? Fuck! Where's Miho when you need her?

_Honda, not Hiroto_

--

_Hearing voices doesn't make you insane. It's only when you're hearing voices and doing what they tell you to do that you should start hugging yourself._

* * *

**From:** Even with the green hair, he was sex on the set 

**To:** Don't know why you don't just get laid.

**Cc: **The Rest of the Cast (who are suspiciously silent)

**Subject**: Re: Re: Re: Re: N00b alert!

I think she quit...

BY THE SUN GOD'S TWIN TESTICLES! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!

Noa's gone, Miho's gotten replaced by a chesty blonde and Shaadi's having second thoughts!

Predicting the sunset on this new series before it even rises,

_Yami_

--

_Ankh Udja Seneb!_

* * *

**From: **The Cool Cucumber 

**To: **Dude, cool it

**Cc: **The Rest of the Cast (who need to help the guy cool it)

**Subject:** Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: N00b alert!

Yami, why the hell are you e-mailing me when I'm only on the _other fucking side of the room!_

_Honda_

--

_Hearing voices doesn't make you insane. It's only when you're hearing voices and doing what they tell you to do that you should start hugging yourself._

* * *

**From: **No More Mister Nice Brother 

**To: **The Lime-haired Turdbrain

**Subject: **Fuck You

You know _exactly _what I'm e-mailing you about, _oniichan_. I don't give a _shit _if you're in Madagascar being chased by Foussa or twenty thousand leagues under the sea shaking hands with Captain Nemo, but you're _fucking _going to return what you took.

Do I need to make myself any clearer? How about this: if you return my Blue Eyes with so much as funny-looking _seam_, I'll inject chilli pepper extract into your _bloodstream_, coat your _eyeballs _in lemon juice and _castrate _you with a wooden spoon. If you don't return it at all... well.

_Kaiba_

--

_Time cools, time clarifies; no mood can be maintained quite unaltered through the course of hours. In the meantime, don't piss me off – I'm running out of places to hide the bodies._

* * *

**From: **That's _Aqua_-haired Turdbrain, Mister. 

**To: **Since when were you ever 'nice'?

**Subject: **That'd be considered incest, you know.

Uhhh... I just needed to make sure you'd e-mail me. And I need it as leverage, of course, since I'd _love _for you to do me a favour. Don't worry, Seto – you'll get your plushie back as soon as it's safe for me to return to Japan. Yes, I'm fully aware that they're first edition, _limited _edition Blue Eyes White Dragon types, and that only four were ever made. No, I will not sell it on e-bay. I promise. Pinky swear.

_Noa_

--

_It's aqua, not lime._

* * *

**From: **The Exasperated One 

**To: **The Heartless One

**Subject: **You made him cry!

Noa, does Seto-chan crying his eyes out in the loo have anything to do with what you said before about making sure he'd e-mail you? This morning, he was really pissed off, then just fell over and grabbed his Swordstalker beanie toy before falling to pieces. I think he's trying to drown himself in the shower or something – he's been in there for the past two hours. I know how you like teasing him – the last time he was this upset, you, Dad and the Bitch Five messed around with his Virtual Reality game and he had to spend almost eight hours reprogramming everything.

Waiting for an explanation (and it better be a good one!),

_Mokuba_

--

_Admiration, n.: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves._

* * *

**From: **Heartless, apparently 

**To:** Don't bitch just yet

**Subject: **Re: You made him cry!

Relax, I only took one of his plushies. Damn, Seto's really got to do something about those mood swings of his – people are going to think he's bipolar or something.

_Noa_

--

_It's aqua, not lime._

* * *

**From:** Too late for that 

**To:** Forget 'Heartless' – you're 'Stupid'

**Subject: **Re: Re: You made him cry!

Words fail to express just how disappointed I am in you, _big brother_. Have you forgotten? In case you have:

SETO **_IS_** BIPOLAR!

And he's only having such a big reaction because you _stole_ his favourite soft toy! Well, one of them, anyway. And you know how obsessed he is with them.

Very disappointed in you,

_Mokuba_

--

_Admiration, n.: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves._

* * *

**From:** Seto-chan 

**To: **Noa-niichan

**Subject: **Can I please have him back?

I'm sorry I was so rude earlier, Noa-kun. I really, really miss Oonie, though – Ouja, Joou and Jakku are lonely without him, so can you please return him soon? I miss you, but you don't have to fly all the way back just to give Oonie back. I know Papa's not very happy with you right now, so maybe you could just mail him back? Just be careful to pack him in a lot of peanuts – he doesn't like the bubble wraps.

_Seto-chan_

P.S. You mentioned a favour? How can I help?

--

_Time cools, time clarifies; no mood can be maintained quite unaltered through the course of hours. In the meantime, don't piss me off – I'm running out of places to hide the bodies._

* * *

**From: **Your 'Niichan 

**To: **My 'Toutochan

**Subject: **Re: Can I please have him back?

Of course you can have him back soon – on one condition, though.

The show I was participating in before – _Yuugiou_, that is – is going to flop without me there. And don't say I'm being arrogant, because it's true. They need a Kaiba character to float things, from what I hear of the plot... and I can't think of anyone I'd rather give the part to. Will you do it, then?

I know Otousama wanted you to focus on KaibaCorp after your stint on the Kenshin set, but I'm sure he'll be satisfied if we include KaibaCorp in the storyline – that'll boost publicity. I'll send an e-mail to Marilyn – uh, that'd be the Cast's nickname for Panik, our Casting Director – with a recommendation if you accept.

_Noa_

P.S. You won't have to dye your hair this time.

--

_It's aqua, not lime._

* * *

**From: **The Blackmailed 

**To: **The Blackmailer

**Subject: **Fine

Fine. When the hell do I start?

_Kaiba Seto_

P.S. I'm expecting Oonie in the mail _very_ soon.

--

_Time cools, time clarifies; no mood can be maintained quite unaltered through the course of hours. In the meantime, don't piss me off – I'm running out of places to hide the bodies._

* * *

**From: **It's Extortion, actually 

**To: **My Pitiful Victim

**Subject: **Re: Fine

I see you're an asshole again... and you _know_ the routine, genius. The e-mail's sent, so get your agent – Isono, was it? – to set up a meeting with Panik-san. Jeez...

_Noa_

P.S. Oonie's not coming back until the first episode is aired.

--

_It's aqua, not lime._

* * *

**From:** Murderous 

**To: **Soon-to-be Murder-ee/Murdered

**Subject: **Re(2): Fine

Asshole yourself, asshole. Isono's on his way, and I'm still waiting for Oonie in the mail. Because you couldn't _possibly_ be serious about keeping him until the first episode airs.

_Kaiba Seto_

--

_Time cools, time clarifies; no mood can be maintained quite unaltered through the course of hours. In the meantime, don't piss me off – I'm running out of places to hide the bodies._

* * *

**From: **I'm your favourite brother, right? 

**To:** Because you're mine.

**Subject: **Pass on

Mokuba-chan, please pass this message on to Seto:

'I'm serious about keeping your plushie until the first episode airs'.

Thanks,

_Noa_

--

_It's aqua, not lime._

* * *

**From:** The Unlucky Messenger 

**To: **Favourite My Ass

**Subject: **Re: Pass on

If that's how you treat your favourite brother, you obviously need to sit through 'Family Values 101'.

_Mokuba_

--

_Admiration, n.: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves._

* * *

**From: **Grovelling 

**To: **The Grovelled To

**Subject: **Re: Re: Pass on

Mokuba... that's a 'no', right?

_Noa_

--

_It's aqua, not lime._

* * *

Honda Hiroto was somewhat amused when he turned the corner only to happen upon a grimacing Mutou Yami with his ear glued to the Casting Director's office door. 

"So this is how you've been getting your gossip, ne, Yami-kun?" he observed. After a brief pause, Honda hunkered down next to his friend and began a brief push war with the tricolour-haired teen. "Lemme hear too!"

"Stop shoving, stupid!" Yami hissed, still trying to listen in on the conversation. "Marilyn's saying something!"

Two seconds later, they were both knocked breathless on their backs, swirly-eyed from Bakura Ryou's blow. The almost-albino whipped out a handful of anti-bacterial wipes and scrubbed busily at the wooden floorboards before kneeling on the disinfected area to clean the door as well.

"...Ryou! What the hell are you doing?" Honda hissed, shoving the white-haired Brit away and plastering the side of his head against the door again.

Ryou stood hastily and brushed himself off, inspecting his dark clothes for any sign of dust before sighing in relief and looking reproachfully at his two companions, who had immediately resumed their eavesdropping activities as soon as he was out of the way. "You do realise that there could have been any number of substances on the door – potentially harmful ones, too."

Yami scoffed, listening to Panik drone tonelessly on about a contract and minimum-three-seasons this and that. "What kind of substances, Ryou-kun? It's not like it'd be easy to spill something on a _door_."

Ryou arched a brow loftily. "Oh, I don't know. How about _semen_?"

Honda blinked

Yami stared.

They turned as one to scrutinise the now squeaky-clean door, as if trying to imagine _anyone_ daring to have sex against the Casting Director Panik 'Marilyn' Shinrou's office door. The man stood head, shoulders and chest above the average Japanese person, and was at least four times Honda's girth. At over eight feet tall, Panik was an _intimidating_ figure, to be sure.

Speaking of which... wasn't that him in the doorway right now? The _open_ doorway? The _open_ doorway, which had _opened_ while they were busy gawking?

"Why hello, boys," Panik's voice rumbled _through_ them, effectively scaring both Honda and Yami (Ryou was busy counting the number of leaves on a nearby pathos) shitless. "How may I help you?" he turned to a crisp-looking gentleman in a suit. "It was nice meeting you, Isono-san. I look forward to Noa's successor-in-role."

Yami's jaw dropped, and he was effectively un-scared. "We've got a new Kaiba!" he and Honda chorused.

'_I must've arrived too late to hear about this guy being Noa's replacement,_' Yami thought. Then: '_This sucks. There's no way I'd get another colleague as hot as Noa... or as bent._'

'_He doesn't have green hair, does he?_' Honda sweatdropped.

Ryou, who had decided to tune in, smiled appreciatively. Noa. _There_ was a guy who knew to wash his hands before and after everything he did. Plus, the guy was awesome at musical chairs.

'Isono' turned and bestowed a blank stare on the two would-be-eavesdroppers. "Of course, Shinrou-san – thank you very much. Have a nice day."

Panik didn't watch him go, instead continuing to fix Yami and Honda with a rather penetrating stare. It was a fish's blank stare, which put Yami in the mind that Panik must have several pet goldfish at home, with which he'd use to practice his stare on.

It was unblinking.

Honda shook like a leaf.

And cracked.

"FORGIVE US! WE WERE ONLY TRYING TO – mmrmphr!" the brunet's eyes widened comically as his much-shorter friends each clapped a hand over his mouth and kept it there to stifle his ill-thought confession. At least, Yami did. Ryou went mental as he realised what he'd done and immediately recoiled to pull out a pocket-sized bottle of antibacterial wash, squeezing half the contents over his hands and scrubbing furiously.

Panik's gaze was broken. "Uhhh," he commented intelligently. "Well, I'm sure the news of a new Kaiba-kun needs spreading. Off with you."

And he disappeared back into his office with a mutter of "kids these days...", leaving a bemused duo and frenzied Ryou in the empty hallway.

Ten minutes later, Ryou, now satisfied he was properly cleansed of all Honda-germs, returned to being as sane as an obsessive compulsive person could be, and noted that they had not moved since Panik had retreated back into his 'inner sanctum'. "You do realise he dismissed us?" the not-quite albino queried absently, stowing his antibacterial wash in a pocket. "Are you guys going to move?"

Two minutes later, he was getting impatient. '_Apparently not._' The white-haired boy glanced outside and frowned. It was sunny, and they were wasting time indoors? The others would want to know about the new Kaiba-kun, and to tease Yami over his obsession with the previous one. Now, if only he could get these two lugs moving...

'_Oh! __**I **__know!_'

"_Oysters, come and walk with us; the day is warm and bright!"_ he chirruped. _"A pleasant walk, a pleasant talk, would be a sheer delight!"_

With that, he linked arms with his two stupefied companions before dragging them out, distantly wondering why he didn't try the physical approach ages ago.

"_The time has come, my little friends to talk of many things – of shoes and ships, and sealing wax, and cabbages and kings..."_

Yami, finally zoning back in and recognising the lyrics, grinned maniacally before singing the next few words: "_And why the sea is boiling hot, and whether pigs have wings –!"_

Both trilled out the last line: "_Callo-callay, come, run away, with cabbages and kings!_"

Honda, completely lost at this point, engaged himself in discussion with the voices in his head about whether the new Kaiba's hair would be green – like cabbage – or if Noa had the right idea and aqua was the colour to be. He also spared a thought for Ryou's _strange_ mind: if the white-haired boy was obsessive compulsive, and over germs, no less, then why was he so eager to get outside?

But the voices in Honda's head overwhelmed him and he spent the next half-hour trying to figure out if oranges tasted orange, and if they did, then what about grapefruit?

* * *

**Note by Arashinobara:** We own not whatever Yami or Ryou was singing... oh, speaking of which, can you recognise the lyrics? They're the altered ones of a famous poem of a famous story. A lot of the ideas in this fic was inspired by other ones. Credit to the lovely authors in question – _EightofSwords_, _Wawoot_ and _Anya_. 

All of the cast's signatures (save Noa's and Honda's) are various quotes I've picked up here and there. Some are modified, and some aren't, but they're quotes by people far cleverer in wit than myself, so I have borrowed them.

* * *

_**In the next few instalments...**_

Everyone finally meets Kaiba (of the Seto variety);

The cast get the final revision of the script – and hate it;

Why the Hell the cast insists on referring to Casting Director Panik Shinrou (The Player Killer of Darkness) as 'Marilyn';

Why _Ouja_, _Joou_, _Jakku_ and _Oonie_ was what Kaiba named his four First Edition, Limited Edition, Blue Eyes White Dragon Plushie dolls;

And more! But that'll spoil things, ne?

Stay tuned!

– _Arashinobara_

* * *


	2. In Which Yami Gets Slapped

**

* * *

Arashinobara:**Mmmm... we're back! And if you squint hard (or not so hard) while reading this chapter, you should be able to spot allusions to several other popular mangadoms.

**Chocolate-Obsessed (who is making a random appearance):** If you squint, too, you'll see that this chapter barely covers half of what Arashi-chan had so recklessly promised _last_ time...

**Arashinobara: **We-ell... that'd be why it says '_In the Next Few Instalments_' instead of '_Next Chapter..._'

**Chocolate-Obsessed:** Well, that's one way to cover your ass...

**Arashinobara: **-.-;; I get no respect. Not even from my darlingest of darlings Wifey Muffincake.

**Chocolate-Obsessed: **Wifey Muffincake me all you want, Dumpling. Just don't expect me to sit here and take with a spoonful of sugar the fact that you haven't delivered a promise.

**Arashinobara: **...where be my Boogerbear? At least she's nicer. /Sniffles/

**Mamori-chan (aka 'Boogerbear'): **Lahlahlahlah... /happily writing a plushie-obsessed!Seto-chan scene/.

**Arashinobara: **...well, there's that. Read, my daring friends, and review! Many glomps and kisses to thee!

* * *

**Reality Check**

A Yuugiou fanstory by Arashi no Mamori

**Part Two – In Which Yami Gets Slapped**

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!"

The shriek echoed loudly through the Crown Arcade. The customers, being fairly used to the neurotic blond's general, over-the-top reactions, paused only briefly to stare and take in the sight of Jounouchi Katsuya being chased about by a sadistically grinning Mutou Yami, before returning to their respective businesses.

The tricolour-haired teen was brandishing a magazine of questionable content, and his homophobic victim's blood pressure leapt through the roof as he tried to avoid running into other males and escape from Yami at the same time. Of course, both desires were thwarted with disappointing frequency, being as Jou's eyes were closed, and the Arcade was packed with gamers, at least three quarters of whom were of the from-Mars variety.

"KEEP HIM AWAY! GET HIM AWAY NOWNOWNOWNOW_NOW_!"

Mutou Yuugi, Kaiba Mokuba and Honda Hiroto were being supremely unhelpful.

"Got any twos?" Yuugi said, his voice thick through the chocolate cigar in his mouth.

"Go fish," Honda responded promptly. "Mokuba-kun, do you have any eights?" The youngest Kaiba grumbled, sliding two cards over. "Thanks. Do you have any aces?"

"Go fish. Any Jacks, Yuugi?"

"Damn!" Yuugi muttered, the chocolate falling from his mouth and onto the table. "Whoops." He slid three cards over to the brunet before going to pick up his half-eaten cigar, only to find it had disappeared. "What the –?"

And there was Ryou, eyeing him disapprovingly as he held the chocolate daintily between two layers of disinfectant wipes. "My goodness, Yuugi. You weren't thinking about putting _this_ back in your mouth, were you?"

Yuugi groaned as he watched his snack being tossed unceremoniously into the nearest bin. "I had hoped," he mumbled. "I abide by the five second rule –"

Ryou gasped, obviously aghast. "But the germs!"

"I can survive a few little, local micro-organisms, Ryou," Yuugi said dully. "_What,_ Mokuba!"

"I said _DO YOU HAVE ANY KINGS!_" the impatient ten-year-old yelled.

"_GO FISH!_" Yuugi hollered back. "So, Honda, any nines?"

Honda never got the chance to reply; Jou's flying leap to escape Yami resulted in a rather spectacular crash, knocking all the cards askew from their owner's hands and scattering the poker chips everywhere.

In the ensuing silence, Furuhata Motoki, the teenage manager of the Crown Arcade, stalked up to the terrified Jou and sheepish Yami. "So."

Yami attempted an innocent smile. "So... what?"

"Mamoru-kun, lend me a hand, will you?"

With the aid of his dark-haired best friend, the blond manager dragged a hyperventilating Jou and sweatdropping Yami out by their collars, and dumped them unceremoniously on the pavement outside the gaming centre.

"And _don't_ let me catch you in here again!" To add insult to injury, Yami's magazine was tossed into his face before falling open to one of the more graphic pictorial displays. Catching sight of the images in question, Jou squeaked before fainting cleanly away.

Mamoru's expression was sympathetic as he lingered to speak to the booted teens. "Motoki-kun's just stressed. Earlier, there was some guy who caused quite a stir – the kid turned into a girl when one of the waiters spilled a glass of water and lemon on him. I think Motoki was just a tad traumatised." He flashed a sweet smile at Yami. "Come back in a few hours. I'm sure he'll have cooled down by then."

Yami smiled back, all embarrassment gone as he eyed the older teen up, noting the well-worn pink shirt and khakis, the rakish, raven's-wing hair and deep blue eyes. "Mmmm... you wouldn't happen to be single, would you?"

The black-haired nineteen-year-old blinked before turning a fetching shade of red. "Well... I have a girlfriend... a very beautiful girlfriend," he added resolutely, a shit-eating grin suddenly appearing on his reserved features.

Yami sighed theatrically as he yanked a reawakened Jou to his feet, the blond immediately pulling away to wipe his hands on his jeans. "Another reason to hate girls. What a waste. You know, your eyes remind me of a friend of mine..."

"No one wants to hear about Kaiba Noa, Yami no _baka_," Jou said snidely, starting off down the street. Yami batted his eyelashes briefly at Mamoru before jogging to catch up with the blond homophobe.

Chiba Mamoru was left to scratch his head in vague incomprehension before wandering back into the Crown Arcade to help sooth his friend's shattered nerves.

* * *

"Right, so this Martian gets into a bar, right? And there's this dude there already. And the dude's all, like '_Yo_, it's a little green man!' And he says 'hi' to the Martian and the Martian waves a hand at the dude, and the dude sees that the Martian's got this weird bump on one of his fingers." Honda wriggled his index finger at his audience for emphasis. Several people tittered. 

Rolling his eyes, Yuugi looked up as his brother entered. "He still at it?" Yami complained, flopping onto a beanbag and wincing as the studs on his leather shirt pressed uncomfortably into his skin. "Damnit!"

"...and then the Martian poked the dude, like so: _bzzt_!" Honda jabbed happily at Jou, who shuffled further away. "...right. And the dude got all pissed off and was all 'Stop it, you ass!' So the Martian left him alone for a few minutes, then poked him again. _Bzzt_."

"Is there a point to this story?" Ryou wondered.

"He always takes about five minutes to get to the punch line," Yuugi answered absently, eyes fixed unerringly on Honda's dark hair, now free of gel and framing his face attractively. Still, Yuugi thought that the substances the hairdressers used to fix Honda's hair into that obnoxious spike could very well be flammable, and decided right there and then to find out at the next available opportunity. Honda wouldn't hurt him when Yami was around – it was just a matter of the pyromaniacal younger Mutou persuading Yami to become an accomplice in his grand plan...

"...and the dude got even more pissed off and said 'Dude, if you fucking touch me again, I'll fucking cut your Martian balls off'. So the Martian stopped for a while... and then poked him again. _Bzzt_." This time, Jou anticipated Honda's prod and dodged out of the way before his friend could touch him. Honda stared blankly before shrugging and continuing with the story:

"Then the dude grabbed the alien's pants and yanked it down, and then stopped. 'Fucking-'ey,' he says. 'You don't have... how do you do _it_?' And the Martian gives him this look, right..."

Yami suddenly began grinning. "Oh, I can see where this is going," he said quietly, nudging his younger brother.

"...and pokes the dude. _Bzzt_."

Honda's audience, which included a good half of the cast members present, groaned loudly before bursting into laughter.

"I think that was your worst one yet, Honda-kun," Yuugi sighed.

The cast was gathered in a large room for the production meeting. Already, Yami could spot several new faces – there was a pleasant-faced, white-haired man in overalls, and an ugly-as-shit guy with features resembling some twisted sample of edible tuber. An extra of some sort, he hoped.

Anzu was gossiping contentedly with one of the extras, and the only person who seemed to be missing was The New Kaiba. Deciding to ask after him, Yami nudged a still-sniggering Mokuba. "Mokuba-chan? Do you know when your brother is arriving? He _is_ coming, right?"

"Of course he is," Mokuba said, an insulted expression flashing briefly over his young face. "'Niisama's about the most dedicated person you'll find! We've still got ten minutes before it begins – he'll be here, you'll see."

Yami blinked. Mokuba was evidently as fond of The New Kaiba as he had been of The Old One. "I see. Well –"

"And he's good-looking, Yami-kun," Mokuba interrupted, a wicked gleam shining in his huge, purple-grey eyes. "You'll like him."

Yami closed his mouth, embarrassed. "I –"

"'Niisama!"

Yami blinked at the suddenly-unoccupied cushion. "Mokuba-chan?" He turned around, and all the air left his lungs.

_One-improbability-drive, two-improbability-drive, three-improbability-drive –_

_Breathe, you moron._

Yami sucked in a lungful of air and choked. Someone was thumping away on his back, and he gasped desperately. "_Fuck_..." he managed to say. "Stop... _Godsdamnit_, you're killing me!"

As his view was un-blocked and his brain began to function again, Yami felt the salivary glands in his mouth go into overdrive.

Kaiba Seto was _beautiful_.

They'd make lovely babies together. Damned shame one of them wasn't female. Maybe a Petri dish baby? But they'd still need that double-ex thing...

"Yami," Yuugi hissed in his catatonic brother's ear, "_ix_-nay on the _ooling_-dray."

"Seth's booming balls, Yuugi," Yami whisper-yelled as he found his voice, eyes still fixed on Kaiba. The boy was tall, with errant chestnut locks spilling tantalisingly into his eyes... those _gorgeous_ eyes...

Okay, granted he couldn't see them at this distance, but Yami was willing to bet the family jewels that Kaiba's eyes were as incredible as the rest of the brunet.

"He's like an iris, Yuugi," Yami murmured dreamily, "all slender, delicate beauty and pale-dark contrast..."

Yuugi gave up. When Yami fell in lust, he fell _hard _(no pun intended), and the younger Mutou knew he wasn't about to get anything sensible out of his brother until he either dropped one of his horrible pick-up lines and got rejected, or came to his senses after passing out from dehydration – dribbling over other guys would do that to you. "Here," the purple-eyed boy sighed, pulling a handkerchief from his pocket and handing it to his starry-eyed sibling. "Knock yourself out."

"Mmmm..." '_Gods almighty! He's coming this way!_'

Indeed, Mokuba was tugging his much-taller brother over to the bulk of the group, presumably to make introductions. The look on Kaiba's face was less-than-enthusiastic, but that could have something to do with the fact that... well. Yami-tachi were hardly the sanest people around, and their current actions rather hinted at that.

Ryou was shrieking loudly because Jou had stolen his antibacterial wash and had poured half the contents on a desk, explaining that he was curious as to how quickly it could evaporate. Honda was now doing a hop-skip routine with Ryou's pacifist twin brother, Bakura Lateef, and Yuugi was currently attempting to strike a spark against a small pyrite ornament using the nib from some pen.

'_Wonderful first impressions we give, ne?_'

The white-haired guy in overalls stood suddenly, grinning wildly. "Kaiba-kun, it's a pleasure! I had no idea you were going to dust off the costume – not after that your stint as... Aoshi, was it? His understudy, I believe."

Kaiba smiled, a slow, sweet lifting of the corners of his mouth.

Yami pressed Yuugi's handkerchief hastily to his mouth. '_Hathor's spit, Noa stands _no fucking chance!'

"A trifle. I didn't expect Aoshi himself to fall ill two weeks into the shooting. How about _you,_ Crawford-san? I thought you were going to retire after being Kunzite – something about Cyndia-'basan not liking the way you played cozy with that Zoisite character."

Pegasus waved a hand in airy dismissal. "That's because she doesn't speak Japanese – she only ever saw the dubbed version, and they got some hoarse-throated female to go over the poor boy's lines. Something about my country being a little too sensitive about homosexuality."

Yami fidgeted. '_Ignore the artist dude. Look at me, look at me, look-at-me-look-at-me, _fucking_ LOOK AT ME, DAMNIT!_'

Kaiba turned, and Yami's thoughts were abruptly derailed as his red eyes were met with profound azure.

'..._hah! I keep my balls!_'

His eyes _were_ beautiful. And just to let Kaiba know it, Yami lidded his own gaze and smiled lazily at him.

_Hello, _the smile said. _I'm interested in getting into your pants. Right here. Right now. _

For a moment, there was silence in the room, all amused eyes on Yami and the (obvious) current victim of his affections. Then...

"Hi," Yami drawled huskily. "I'm afraid I must be lost – I thought Paradise was at least a little further South."

Someone sniggered. Otherwise, the room was completely silent.

Kaiba blinked, mouth parting in surprise. "Uhhh," he said intelligibly. "What?"

"I'm hitting on you," Yami told him helpfully. "Allow me to continue: 'if you're against premarital sex, I'm sure we can get a priest on short notice to take care of the pre-marital bit. Producer Akhenaden is one, you know."

More titters. And yet, when Yami turned 'round to glare at the perpetrators, he was met with a sea of grave faces.

The taller, hit-upon boy stared. "I –"

Deciding to ignore the laughter rippling through the room, Yami pressed his advantage gleefully. "Well... _I _think we'd look really good together atop a wedding cake. What say you, _Hanashoubu_?"

A unanimous, gleeful, anticipating gasp from the crew.

Kaiba Seto's eyebrows drew together in indignation, and Yami's head snapped back at the slap. The brunet then stalked over to the nearest available seat (which happened to be the beanbag next to Yami) and plonked himself into it, still scowling.

Lifting a hand dreamily to his reddening cheek and sighing, Yami looked eagerly at his brother, who was fighting laughter. "Did you see that?" Yami mouthed. "He _touched_ me. Of his own accord!"

Honda rolled his eyes. "Good grief, Yami-kun – you must have missed out on where he _inflicted physical damage _to your face?"

Yami wasn't listening. "And he's sitting next to me!"

"And 'he' has _ears_, Mutou Yami," Kaiba's voice cracked through the air like a whip. "Ears that can hear _every word you're saying_."

The infatuated teen showed a remarkable resistance to the taller one's scorching glare. "He deems me important enough to eavesdrop on!" Yami grinned stupidly before turning to the fuming brunet. "And such lovely ears they are, _Hanashoubu_."

"Will you _stop_ calling me that!"

Yuugi and Mokuba covered Honda's mouth before dragging the taller boy to the other side of the room. "Don't bother," the shorter Mutou brother ordered. "Let him ride out his little obsession. He'll be falling in lust with another cute guy within the week. In the meantime, Mokuba, make sure your brother eats plenty – Yami'll chase him ragged until this blows over."

Mokuba grinned, recalling the _particularly interesting _episode in which the Kaiba character had made its first appearance. Having formed a vague interest in the aqua-haired boy, Yami initiated a game of footsie with Noa under the table while they 'duelled'. The camera men had ruined several takes with their snickering until Director Dartz had finally lost his temper and scolded the two teens silly.

"I know," the raven-haired Kaiba replied in response to Yuugi's earlier statement. "But my 'Niisama may surprise you. He was probably more insulted at Yami-kun giving him a nickname after less than half a minute after they first meet, than at Yami hitting on him."

Yuugi gave the increasingly desperate-looking Kaiba Seto a considering look. "Oh?"

"Yep. He likes shorter guys."

They both turned to look at Kaiba, who was easily the tallest person present. "Huh. That's only the entire Japanese populace, minus Marilyn."

"Well... maybe. 'Niisama hasn't hit his growth spurt yet."

Yuugi sniggered. "Heehee... spurt."

Mokuba looked at him strangely.

"Uhhh... right."

They were silent for a while longer. "Well. While we're waiting for Marilyn, Milo and Mischa to arrive and begin our lovely little production meeting..." Yuugi whipped out a deck of Pokémon cards. "I bet my Charizard could beat your Mewtwo's ass."

Mokuba's eyes lit up as he drew out his own Psychic and Water combo deck. "Oooh, those are fighting words."

Yuugi hesitated. "You sure you don't want to rescue your brother?"

The younger boy rolled his eyes, slapping down a Goldeen. "What, 'Niisama? He'll either learn to enjoy your 'niichan's attention or he'll beat the crap out of him. Either way, he can take care of himself."

The tricolour-haired boy smiled contentedly, slipping a Machop forward to face Mokuba's goldfish Pokémon. "Oh, okay. Just making sure."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Battle!"

* * *

"Well, _that_ was a waste of time," Mazaki Anzu groused as she and the Mutous waited for the bus to come. The production meeting had been particularly tedious, the brunette's nerves driven to their last endurance. "These damn things usually take about three or four hours, so will someone _please explain _exactly _why _we went _two freakin' hours overtime_!" 

"Calm yourself, Anzu-chan," Sugoroku said calmly. "I'm sure it was an accident that all the mad, rabid, frothing-at-the-mouth albino ferrets got out of the prop department. It's only reasonable that the crew was enlisted to recapture them."

"Very well, 'jiichan," she said politely. "Then will someone tell me just how someone managed to trip and somehow slam their thick head into the fire alarm? They might have been a _leetle _distracted, and _perhaps _it might have something to do with a certain actor-cum-business-empire-heir, hmmm? _What_ a genius... I think my skirt is still wet from the sprinklers..."

Yami remained pleasantly oblivious to her pointed glare. "Hanashoubu..." he sighed longingly.

"Disgusting," Anzu concluded. She pulled out her copy of the script. "And look at this? As if it weren't enough playing the part of the hapless damsel in distress _way too many times_ during the last season, I have to be a friendship-obsessive freak on top of it!"

"I don't know," Sugoroku commented, snagging the script and flipping absently through it. "I'm a little more concerned about this 'Heart of the Cards' nonsense... seems to me that it should be called the '_Deux ex Machina _of the Cards' instead."

"Don't over-analyse it so, 'jiichan," Yuugi said brightly, "And why did you sign up for this part if you don't like it, Anzu-chan? Don't get me wrong, you're a lovely actress... but why didn't you go for that Sailorjupiter role that was open at around the same time? It seems more suited to your independent personality."

Anzu blushed uncharacteristically, looking hastily away. "Well, you see..."

"She's madly in love with you, and she hasn't been able to tell you that she doesn't want to be seen as the girl next door any more, so she decided to follow you into the drama industry," Yami said, though his tone was a little_ too_ bland for Yuugi to take seriously.

Above the shorter boy's head, Anzu shot her crush's brother a quietly furious look that promised retribution. Yami merely smiled dreamily back and decided that Kaiba Seto's eyes were much nicer than Anzu's were. Plus, Kaiba was _male_, and no amount of pretty eyes on Anzu's part was going to make Yami go straight, or even bi. She was simply too Amazon-esque... and antisocial, to boot.

Yami then realised how pointless this train of thought was, being that it included Anzu and took up valuable time where he could be obsessing over his _real_ Desired One. "Mmmm..."

"If you mention 'Hanashoubu' again, I _will_ deck you," Anzu threatened.

* * *

**From:** Quietly Despairing 

**To:** Oonie had better be pristine

**Subject:** I can't do this!

Noa no _bakayarou_, I can't do this. The script is such _shite_... I have to rip up a card. A _Blue Eyes White Dragon_ card! How can I face Ouja, Joou, Jakku or Oonie if I did something so horrendous? They'd never forgive me! I'll burn in the darkest of Duel Monster Hells for it!

And as if this emotional trauma isn't enough, I have to be stalked by Mutou Yami on top of all this! Granted he looks good enough to eat when indulging in his leather fetish, considers two-inch heels on knee-high boots to be _comfortable_, possesses the _deepest _eyes I've ever had the fortune to look into, and... and...

I just can't take it. He's too hot. And he's pursuing me in the most perverse way possible. And I have to rip up a Blue Eyes. I won't!

_Seto-chan_

--

_Time cools, time clarifies; no mood can be maintained quite unaltered through the course of hours. In the meantime, don't piss me off – I'm running out of places to hide the bodies._

* * *

**From: **Blinking Rapidly 

**To: **The Despairing One

**Subject: **Re: I can't do this!

That made absolutely _no_ sense.

You're joking, right? This is all just a pathetic play on your part to get me to feel sorry enough for you to return Oonie... _right_?

And I _know_ Yami's hot, Seto. I didn't get nearly enough stare-time while on the set or off it. What's wrong with him going after you? I'll admit, this sucks – I'd rather hoped I'd leave him heartbroken. I didn't expect him to hit on my baby brother less than four days after my departure.

As for the Blue Eyes... it's _just_ a card, Seto-chan. The Blue Eyes White God will _not_ strike you down for killing her two-dimensional, fictional children.

_Noa_

P.S. No quitting. One: you signed a contract. Two: Yami will be heartbroken. Three: I still have Oonie.

--

_It's aqua, not lime._

* * *

**From: **A little more cheerful 

**To: **Is that a bug in your eye?

**Subject: **Re(2): I can't do this!

One: Contracts can be lost, burned or shredded.

Two: Is it wrong to be happy that I can break his heart? Mmmm... I wonder if he doesn't deserve it.

Three: I've signed up. I've taken your place. _Now_ can I have Oonie back?

Lastly: Fictional? _Fictional_? I'll have you _know_, Noa, that Ouja, Joou and Jakku are extremely insulted. They are clamouring for your death by _Burst Stream_. And if there _is_ a God, it's most certainly a Dragon. Dragons pwn all.

_Seto-chan_

--

_Time cools, time clarifies; no mood can be maintained quite unaltered through the course of hours. In the meantime, don't piss me off – I'm running out of places to hide the bodies._

* * *

**From: **Nah, just some dust 

**To: **The Happy One

**Subject: **Re: Re(2): I can't do this!

...did you just say 'pwn'?

_Noa_

--

_It's aqua, not lime._

* * *

**Note by Arashinobara: **Well? How was it? State your favourite and least favourite parts in a review, so I'll know what to expound upon and avoid next time. This fic is one that is written by the audience as much as myself, because my sense of humour is twisted enough that I have to be careful I don't offend some people with it. 

Kaiba's more offended by Yami's usage of a nickname than of his advances.

_Lateef_, Bakura's given name, means 'gentle'. I thought it beautifully ironic. **_Hanashoubu_, the name by which Yami calls Kaiba, means 'blue iris' (_shoubu _being iris). **Yes, iris as in the flower, not the eyethinggeh.

My father is a movie director (don't ask me what movies he does, because I don't know. Until recently I never showed much of an interest in them before – I think he almost had a heart attack when I actually began pestering him with questions for this fic), so most of the procedures in the fic regarding shooting or procedure are true... if not, then I'll make a note of it below telling you exactly where I bullshitted it. -.-;;

A **_production meeting _**is generally the first time new actors meet old, etc, etc. The production meeting covers an _introduction of the crew _(cast members, directors, assistants, camera men/women, etc) before _stating the schedule_. A _Director's speech _then follows, and then a sort of '_Rule of the Game_', which specifies focus and what dangers there may be. For example, if the movie/series focuses on stunts or graphics or whatever, then the Director may warn or caution or 'whatever'. The Director or Producer will also likely _mention a 'boss' or a 'sponsor'_.

Some production meetings include some parts of a_ script read-through_, and I've decided to include it in this one, for obvious reasons. However, the script read-through usually depends on the budget, the time constraints and whether or not the cast needed needs the time. Being professionals, they usually only get the script a few days ahead of time, and should be able to do as they are needed on the set itself to the Director's liking. I doubt scripts are handed out during the production meetings itself, but... m'eh.

And that's it! **_PLEASE REVIEW_**! I'm such a needy writer...

* * *

_**In the next few instalments...**_

More of the cast's disgust with regards to the script;

Why the Hell the cast insists on referring to Casting Director Panik Shinrou as 'Marilyn', Director Dartz as 'Milo' and Akhenaden as 'Mischa';

Why _Ouja_, _Joou_, _Jakku_ and _Oonie_ was what Kaiba named his beloved plushie dolls;

Yami gets slapped for his corny pick-up lines. Again. And again. And again...;

Shooting begins!;

And more! Just wait...

_Stay tuned,_

_Arashinobara

* * *

_


	3. In Which the Subplot is Revealed

**

* * *

Note by Arashinobara:** Hi! Wow, this was pretty quick. I finished _this_ chap in two days. Yesterday. Today. Or maybe 'Day before yesterday' and 'Yesterday', since I'm not going to be posting straight away. Still, I'm pretty darn proud of myself, and hope you enjoy the chapter. Thanks be to Mishiko Shinsei (check out her fics; they're bloody brilliant and Kaiba's always begin tortured. Sweet are the sounds of his screams) and, as always, My Darling Wifey Muffincake.

Anyway... please review? Sankyuu. ;D

* * *

**Reality Check**

A Yuugiou fanstory by Arashi no Mamori

**Part Three – In Which the Sub-plot is Revealed**

The door to the Mutou-Bakura getaway residence banged open dramatically, Mutou Yami striking a pose in the door frame. "I'm ho-ome!" he carolled, striding into the living room. "Did you miss me, my duckies?"

He was promptly glomptackled by a white-haired blur, both parties falling into an unceremonious heap on the threshold. "Of _course_ I did, Muffin," Bakura Lateef (whom everyone referred to using only his last family name) crooned lovingly. "Give us a kiss?"

Having bumped his head when he went down, Yami was too busy seeing stars to respond coherently. "Ngh..."

"That's a yes, right?" Bakura said, a wicked gleam in his rust-brown eyes. "Pucker up, Sugarlips."

"It's a _no_, you fool," Yami groaned, shoving him off. "I thought you were pacifist? If that wasn't violence, I don't know what is..."

"Don't apologise, Bakura-chan," Yuugi said from his position by the stove on the kitchen island. "He deserves that and more. Oniichan, if I find that you've put another dent in the door by kicking it open, I _will_ see you pay for repairs out of your own wallet."

"What's wrong with the apartment budget?" Yami wondered, allowing Bakura to peck him on the cheek before the tricolour-haired boy shoved the almost-albino away. "Leggo me, dummy. Yuugi, why do _I_ have to pay?"

"Oh, I don't know... perhaps because the apartment budget is for things like _food_ and _rent_ and _furniture_... _not_ for repairs of holes and dents from where a certain brother of mine _continually_ ignores my warnings and _inflicts damage_ to –"

"Yeah, yeah. What's for dinner?" Yami said absently, shoving his younger brother aside so he could peer in at the pot's contents. "Macaroni in soup. Yum."

Yuugi let out a shriek of exasperation, shoving back. "Sometimes I wonder which one of us is the elder one, because it seems you got the bloody _short_ end of the stick when life handed you maturity capacity!"

"Yuugi-chan, that made no sense..."

Yuugi growled deep in his throat. It was an animalistic half-roar, enhanced by the deliberately slitted eyes and bared teeth. It was pretty impressive, actually.

Yami stared. "Hey... do that again."

Indignant, Yuugi swelled even further, his violet eyes taking on a slightly purplish-red hue. "Yami no _bakayarou_ –"

Bakura stood languidly, padding back to his customary armchair and picking up his novel from where he'd dropped it in his haste to greet his best friend. "Leave Yuugi alone, Yami-dearest. He's the one with the slappy-spoon... come here. My lap."

Yami obliged, leaving his steaming sibling behind as he plopped himself onto one of the armchair wings and slid bonelessly onto Bakura's thighs. "Happy?"

Bakura shot him a lewd grin. "Very."

"Mmm-hmmm, you horny bastard, you."

His best friend smirked, showing his fingers in a 'V' for 'peace'. "Make love, not war," he warbled.

"Jeez. Get a job." Yami squinted at the book's gold-lettered spine from his lying-down position. "Whatcha readin', Pumpkin Pie?"

"Some classic about rich snobs and snooty women, _Creampuff_." Bakura showed him.

"Oooh, Pride and Prejudice?" Yami snatched the paperback away, flipping eagerly through the pages in spite of Bakura's objections. "I love this book. I always thought Darcy and Bingley must have had a thing for each other, don't you think, Angel?"

"But they both married women, Sweetums."

"So? It's called reading between the lines, _Baku-chan_."

"More like butchering literary masterpieces with your one-track mind, _Yam-yams_. Give that back."

"Nuh-uh. No grabby, sweetheart."

Yuugi made a derisive noise as he stirred the macaroni again. "You guys are idiots, you know that?"

Bakura and Yami's less than polite replies were interrupted by Bakura's elder twin shuffling into view under the weight of at least eight grocery bags. "Somebody help me?"

Yami tumbled from his best friend's lap as Bakura rose to help Ryou. "Ow_fuck_! I repeat – are you sure about being pacifist?"

"Shut up, get your lazy, tight, pretty ass over here and help us put this stuff away, _Yami-poo_," Bakura tossed the twenty-four-roll pack of toilet paper at the elder Mutou brother, knocking the tricolour-haired boy flat on his back. "Put four of those in each washroom, then the rest in the supplies closet."

"'Make love, not war'. Sure." Seeing Bakura's warning look, Yami heaved a long-suffering sigh before moving to obey. "Whatever you say, Snugglebunny."

"Bwaha," was Bakura's ingenious reply. "You are so whipped."

"Whips?" Yami made a big show of looking eagerly about the room. "Where?"

Ryou and Yuugi rolled their eyes in perfect synchronisation. "Morons," they muttered.

"It's an art form," Bakura responded proudly. "A skill so complex it takes a lifetime to perfect."

Ryou looked out from where he was placing celery into the 'crisper' section of the fridge. "And here I was hoping I'd still have some brain cells left in my head by my twenty-fifth birthday," he said drily.

Yuugi nudged him as he tucked a twelve-pack of instant chicken noodle soup into the cupboard allotted for canned foods. "Don't count on making it past your twentieth birthday with the intelligence quota of a broccoli, Ryou-chan. Not with these fools around."

Pouting exaggeratedly, Bakura shoved some bacon at Ryou to be put into the meat cooler. "The Gods know why I continue to stand here and be insulted."

"By all means," Yuugi chuckled, "sit down and allow us to continue."

"Why, you... brat."

"Butthead."

"Starfish head."

"Crap-eyed albino."

"Pyromaniacal freak."

"Psychotic pacifist."

"Virgin."

"Nympho."

"Bi – wait. Aren't nymphomaniacs female by definition?"

Yuugi shot him an impish smile and batted his eyelashes mock-seductively. "Nympho," he repeated.

"...if I believed in violence, I'd deck you."

"I'll do it for you, honeybunch," Yami said, making a fist and casually bopping Yuugi over the head as he walked by his brother. "The macaroni should be ready, darlings."

"Everyone, wash your hands!" Ryou reminded them.

"Yeah, yeah." Each ran their hands briefly under the water when Ryou wasn't looking, and showed him their wet hands.

"Thirty seconds! Scrub with soap! DON'T WIPE YOUR HANDS ON YOUR FILTHY CLOTHES, YOU DIRTY CHILDREN!"

"Why did we let him move in with us again?" Yami muttered, drying his hands off with a paper towel.

Yuugi elbowed him and grabbed the soap. "You forget – _he_ allowed us to move in with _him_."

"That's not how I remember it," Yami thought.

"No, it wouldn't be. Probably because your mind conveniently blocked out the part where you were on bended knee kissing his Birkenstocks and then getting kicked in the teeth 'cause he freaked when he thought you were giving his feet germs."

Yami flushed. "That's not how I remember it," he repeated, with less assurance.

"Uh-huh," Yuugi smirked. Yami decided to retreat honourably from battle and sulked all the way to the other side of the room, holding his hands out for Ryou's inspection. The white-haired eighteen-year-old smiled brilliantly and squeezed a generous dollop of antibacterial wash into Yami's cupped hands before motioning for Yuugi to come closer so he could see the younger Mutou brother's still-wet palms.

Five minutes later, they were all seated at table and digging in, interrupted only with the odd "Yami, chew with your mouth shut" or "_Don't _let me see you eating that off the table, Lateef". When each had finished their first helpings, the conversation began to pick up.

"So, aniki, anything happen at the Grocer's?" Bakura asked, belching loudly in the middle of the sentence. His companions shot him disgusted looks. "What?"

Yami reached over to tousle his best friend's hair. "Nothing, nothing. Just that the smell of your half-digested macaroni is currently sitting above us like a pea-soup smog."

"Oh, that." Bakura blew idly into the air. "There, it's gone."

Everyone else snorted into their plates. "Sure," Yuugi said nasally, attempting to eat his third helping while holding his nose.

"You guys are exaggerating." Bakura attempted to strike a pose, but his movements were restricted by the table. "Hn. Nothing coming from me could ever smell too bad."

Yuugi smirked. "As he refused it, the rabblement howted, and clapped their chopp'd hands, and threw up their sweaty night-caps, and uttered such a deal of stinking breath because Caesar refused the crown, that it had, almost, choked Caesar, for he swounded, and fell down at; and for mine own part, I durst not laugh, for fear of opening my lips and receiving the bad air."

Bakura smiled vapidly. "That's from _Romeo and Juliet_, right?"

A used napkin hit him squarely in the mouth. "Dumbass," the table's other occupants said in unison.

"Even _I_ know that's from _A Midsummer Night's Dream_," Yami scolded.

Yuugi and Ryou facevaulted, Yuugi scrambling back into his seat and banging his head repeatedly against the table. "It's _Julius Caesar_, you idiots! The passage only mentioned him _twice_."

"Yuugi-chan, watch for the –"

Yuugi's face landed in his macaroni with a disturbing squelch.

_Silence._

_Then..._

"Hey, guys, look! No hands!" Yami stuck his own face in his macaroni and began to eat. "Aww, shit, I think I just got some soup up my nose..."

Bakura followed Yami's example, and Yuugi sighed, sitting up and swatting at his now-dripping bangs. "While I appreciate your half-witted attempts to make me feel better, I think my brain cell count just halved."

Ryou nodded numbly, pupils dilated in shock as he surveyed the mess. "The two of you give the phrase 'dumb blond' an entirely new meaning."

Slurping noisily at his macaroni and soup, Bakura lifted his head and opened his mouth to speak. Catching the grossed-out look on his elder twin's face, however, he shrugged and chewed noisily before swallowing. "But Dumpling and I aren't blonds."

"Hence the 'entirely new meaning' part," Yuugi deadpanned.

"Cupcake, I think we've just been insulted," Yami observed absently, tipping back his bowl and finishing off his macaroni before going for thirds.

Yuugi snickered. "No shit, Sherlock."

"Fuck off, Watson." Yami flipped him off as he ladled more soup and a generous scoop of macaroni into his bowl.

"You know about Sherlock Holmes and his doctor sidekick, but you don't know _Julius Caesar_?"

"Yes, well... I thought it was kinda kinky."

Ryou blinked. "...'kinky'?"

"Yeah. Big, bad detective with his magnifying glass and his bitch."

Everyone groaned. "He said something similar about Batman and Robin –"

"The kid's name was _Dick_, for Seth's sake!"

"– Pinky and the Brain –"

"Living in a cage, ya gotta find some kind of entertainment _other_ than trying to take over the world, y'know."

"– Ew. Darcy and Bingley –"

"Mmmm... I like Darcy."

Everyone stared at him. "I thought you liked Bingley?"

"Nah. Darcy's got that tall, dark and handsome thing going for him. Plus, he's rich, and smart, and..." Yami's shoulder slumped suddenly, all humour gone. "Hey, Yuugi, wanna finish this bowl for me? I think I must've swallowed some air when I ate the other ones. I'm not hungry any more."

Yuugi looked up at his elder brother, concerned at the sudden one-eighty in his mood. "Yami..."

"Yeah. Whatever. If you don't want it, I'll take the bowl to the sink."

Bakura, Ryou and Yuugi watched him clean up the mess he'd made and then disappear into the room he and Yuugi shared.

Bakura said aloud what they were all thinking.

"...what the hell was that?"

* * *

It was not an uncommon sight in the Kaiba Mansion to see young master Seto wandering blankly around with one of the Kisara kitten sisters sprawled comfortably atop his head. It was the general consensus among the servants that when this happened, he was deep in thought and cultivating his inner genius. 

To one who did not know him as the child prodigy responsible for inventing the modern solid-image holographic system, he looked less like one possessed of prodigious talent, and more like a rather batty, albeit good-looking, teenager.

This evening, Seto had a kitten on each shoulder (Ki-chan on his right, Ra-chan on his left) as he clutched Joou-the-BEWD-plushie to his chest. Meandering absently downstairs, he almost walked into the wall as he mused over the concept of a DVD player that would convert the two-dimensional images into finite waves, then hooked up to one of his three-dimensional holographic simulators. It would then allow the audience to 'experience' the movies played in it.

"Not going to be able to work," he muttered, shuffling down the stairs in his fluffy X-Head Dragon and Y-Dragon Head slippers. "Freaking script; no way in hell am I ripping up a Blue-Eyes. The DVD player won't work unless they used a special camera to capture all angles while filming. I guess I could start working on one of those... stupid Mutou, with his pretty eyes and lithe body and..."

Realising his thoughts, Seto walked calmly to the nearest door frame and slammed his head rapidly into it, his feline companions digging their tiny claws through the thin silk and into his shoulders in order to stay on them. "Get. Out. Of. My. Head! Fucker," he added as an afterthought, rubbing his temples.

Still seeing stars, Seto wobbled on to the mansion's private dining hall. "If I manage to incorporate the three-dimensional aspect into a single camera. No, that's physically impossible... _Mutou_ is physically impossible – oh, for Fuck's _sake_!" Seto roared. "This is insane! That stupid, stupid _flirt_ – he's so – argh!"

The door frame was beginning to look quite tempting again. Seto walked away briskly from the nearest one before he could damage any more of his brain cells. "This just proves that one can catch his idiocy," the young Kaiba muttered angrily. "Making me think about him, then making me destroy my valuable brain be_cause_ I'm thinking about him. Asshole. I bet the bastard's part of some kind of conspiracy to destroy Father's company."

He lapsed into incomprehensible grumbling, earning him several wide-eyed stares from the staff.

"Good evening, Seto," Gozaburo waved a steak knife happily at him from the farthest end of the seats-twenty dining table. "Eloise made beef fillet with gras sauce – your favourite!"

Well, it appeared _someone_ was in a good mood. How freakin' glorious for them. Seto dragged his feet over to the seat on his father's side and dropped his lanky form into the chair, narrowly avoiding putting his elbow into the butter dish. "What a day," he remarked sarcastically. "Pass the champagne, Mokuba."

"Food first, then liquor. No drinking on an empty stomach," Gozaburo ordered, delicately sampling some purée.

"But drinking is fine? You don't make any sense, _Dad_."

Gozaburo and Mokuba exchanged glances. "Are you still bent out of shape about Yami, Seto-chan?" Mokuba stabbed happily at his fillet until Gozaburo reached over and cut it for him. "I'm old enough to cut my own meat, Papa."

"Then act your age and eat it instead of playing with it," Gozaburo said drily. "Is this true, Seto-kun? Mokuba mentioned Mutou Yami's interest in you."

Seto stood up abruptly, face flaming. "My private life is _none _of your concern!" he yelled, turning on his heel to storm off. Halfway across the hall, he realised he was still extremely hungry, and that the kitchens were entirely too far away. Muttering crude phrases composed mainly of socially inappropriate four-letter words, Seto returned to the table, grabbed his plate of beef fillet, a glass of champagne and a helping of salad before stalking off again.

"'Private life', hmmm?" Gozaburo mentioned over the sound of the heavy dining doors slamming. "It looks to me like he already considers young Mutou to be part of his 'private life'."

Mokuba arched an eyebrow at his father. "I _told_ you. He was raving like no tomorrow when we came home today."

"I can believe that," Gozaburo remarked, selecting a slice of fresh peach before offering the plate to his youngest son. "He is acting like a petulant child."

"You don't sound too mad about it," Mokuba observed after swallowing his fruit.

The Kaiba patriarch chuckled, taking a sip of his champagne. "Am I supposed to be? He isn't doing anything wrong, those blasted cats aren't underfoot, and while the way he carts those soft toys around make him look less than dignified, I have no nitpick with him. He's a good heir and son even if he _is_ bipolar."

Mokuba grinned, grabbing another slice of peach. "This is good," he said, swallowing. "May I be excused? I'd like to bring some up to Seto."

"One more bite of salad, son, you barely ate any of it."

"That's 'cause it's rabbit food," Mokuba grimaced but held his mouth open obediently. "S'hanks," he said hurriedly, grabbing the plate of fruit and all but running the length of the dining room. Fondly, Gozaburo watched his youngest son's retreating figure before rising from the table himself. KaibaCorp matters didn't manage themselves, after all.

* * *

Yami was lying spread-eagled on his bed, crimson eyes staring blankly at a poster of the_ Yami no Matsuei_ cast tacked to the ceiling. He heard his best friend's entry, felt the bed sink under Bakura's weight. 

"You know," Bakura's voice cracked, and Yami felt himself smile slightly. "You know that you're ten times better than any pansy-boy rich-kid, right? Even if he does have nice eyes."

Yami's smile faded, and he returned to staring at the ceiling. "Is that all you've got to offer a breaking heart, 'Kura?"

Bakura sighed internally. On top of being temperamental, Yami could be such a drama queen. "No... what I meant to say was that I wouldn't have picked anyone but the best to be my best friend, right? You're cool, Yami." Yami looked hopefully at him. "You also go through a hundred and eight crushes a year." Yami twitched and looked away. "I mean it, Yami. You're a bloody fickle bastard is what you are."

Yami's red eyes were dark and distant. "This one's the one, 'Kura, I can feel it."

Bakura snorted unsympathetically. "You've said that more times than I can remember."

"You must have a pretty bad memory, then," Yami snapped. "I only said it fourteen times."

Bakura stifled a chuckle. That was his Yami. "Eight of them weren't even homosexual or bi," he reminded his friend, unable to pass up an opportunity to tease his friend a little. "Your gaydar's really off."

"Six out of fourteen's not a bad ratio, 'Kura." Was that depression the white-haired teen heard?

"And out of those six, three had the operation."

"...'Kura, if you're not going to say anything helpful, you can go fuck yourself."

Okay, so it _might _have been depression. What? Pacifist didn't mean psychic. Or psychologist.

Bakura decided to chance physical contact and rested a hand on Yami's shoulder. Yami flinched away from him.

_'Okay. I guess he's really mad, then. I guess I went a little far...maybe I should apologise. He's always a little broken up after one of these episodes.'_

Yami sniffled.

Bakura's sympathy evaporated. '_Oh, for Gods' sake..._'

"There's no way you're ever going to get a guy's attention if you give up before you've even begun!" Bakura snapped.

'_I'm not saying this right now. I'm not.'_

"You're the best, Yami. Are you going to lie down and let the likes of Kaiba Seto walk all over your heart?"

'_Just listen to me. Actually, don't. I sound like Aino Minako, self-proclaimed Goddess of Love.' _

"Get up and fight!"

'_Whoohoo... all I need is a pair of pom-poms and a gaudy skirt and I'm set – huh?_'

Yami was hugging him, hard. "Thanks, sweetling, you're really inspired me." The tricolour haired boy ran over to his closet and began digging through his clothes. "I need something sophisticated, something hot, something that'll make him hard enough to cu – yes, 'Kura-chan?"

Going over to the magnet board, Bakura tapped the agenda that had been handed out at the production meeting. "Firstly, I don't think your wardrobe _knows_ the meaning of sophisticated –"

"I can borrow something from Yuugi-chan or Ryou-kun."

"Secondly, why the hell are you starting now? It's almost quarter to ten, and darker than a rat's ass out –"

"My love shall light my way, and time is but man's illusion!"

"_Thirdly_... we're going in to get measured for costumes tomorrow."

"What does that have anything to do with _Hanashoubu_?" Yami blinked and did a double take. "We have costumes?"

"Well, duh. We have uniforms for school and the like. Have you read the script?"

The tricolour-haired boy scratched at his head. "Uhhh... well... you see... I was going to – no."

"Okay. Well, then, you know what measuring means. Fitting. Pinning. Getting to see other people naked. Or at least half-naked."

Bakura swore that Yami's pupils dilated by a good size and a half.

"Mmmm... bedtime. The faster I sleep, the faster time will go, and I will see Kaiba Seto's gorgeous eyes again!" Yami stripped hastily to his boxers and bounced eagerly into bed, burrowing under the covers. Bakura rolled his eyes and turned to go. It seemed his work here was done, and he still needed to clean up the mess he'd made with the macaroni earlier. If he didn't, it was a good bet that Ryou would lock him out of their room. It sucked to have such an insane twin.

"Oh, and 'Kura-chan?"

"Yes, Yami-kins?"

Yami opened his arms, eyes hopeful.

With a sigh, Bakura stalked over, embraced his friend and let go as quickly as he could without hurting Yami's feelings. "You're a shrimp. In both body_ and _brains. You're not _seriously _going to turn in before ten, are you?"

The shorter boy sat up abruptly. "You're right! Time's a-wasting! I should e-mail Noa... ask him what Seto likes..."

Bakura groaned and hit the light switch on his way out. "On second thought, just sleep."

* * *

**Arashinobara:** Yami was pretty darn pathetic, wasn't he? Poor thing, being yanked so viciously by his puppeteer... 

Oh, note that the soup and macaroni in this chapter was one dish. Not separate ones. And if anyone went into cardiac arrest upon seeing nice!Gozaburo, 'twasn't my fault. Honest. 0 :)

Don't forget to drop a line detailing your favourite, least favourite, etc., part. Please? I did say please. ;D

But boy, if this is what I get when I write interludes, I think I should stop. -.-;;

* * *

**_In the next few instalments..._**

The 'real' plot is resumed;

More of the cast's disgust with regards to the script;

Why the Hell the cast insists on referring to Casting Director Panik Shinrou as 'Marilyn', Director Dartz as 'Milo' and Akhenaden as 'Mischa';

Why _Ouja_, _Joou_, _Jakku_ and _Oonie_ were what Kaiba named his beloved plushie dolls;

The characters are measured for their costumes;

Yami gets slapped for his corny pick-up lines. Again. And again. And again...;

Shooting begins!;

And more! Just wait...

_Stay tuned,_

_– Arashinobara_

* * *


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